Bisous de La Coutarie!
a newsletter of sorts (if the news is just me and the letter is to you)
To my adoring fans (by which I mean a few friends begrudgingly obligated to surrender their emails out of politeness, and my mother, who’s histamine levels rise exponentially every time my FindMyFriends location leaves North London),
Hi! Hasn’t it been a terrible while since you heard my dulcet tones in your ears! I’m sure you’re all sitting in your respective homes bereft at my absence, paralysed with grief until my return. To you, I humbly submit this narcissistic piece of prose, the subject matter solely myself in order to temporarily subjugate these fears. Thank god, for your sake, my loyal loved one, that there is still wifi.*
Currently, I am sitting at the most gorgeous desk I have ever sat at. Dear reader, I implore you to imagine the most idyllic French pastoral scene your mind will conjure. I can assure you, that whatever you’re picturing - it can eat shit compared to where I’m living right now. La Coutraire is a Hamlet, population once six, but now (I am proud to announce) seven people. Don’t ask me where it is, I hope you all know me well enough now to understand that my grasp on Geography is loose and pliable, and to be quite frank, it’s absolutely none of my business where La Coutraire is. Somewhere in the South, I think. About 4 hours from Montpellier, if that helps anyone.
All that you need to know is that it’s in a valley. I wake up and work surrounded by riotous, lush green - forests and fields. It’s the South of France, it’s every single farm girl dream you’ve had since reading Heidi when you were eight. It’s flowers and animals and harmony with nature and leaving your phone in your room all day. It’s the most idyllic kitchen I’ve ever had the pleasure to cook in. It’s every ingredient stored in a glass jar and leftover ratatouille from the winter and a new gateaux for desert every single day.
The farm has, as promised to me and all of you, a herd of goats. In fact, it’s spring, so the goats have kids, and the kids are kind of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen. The fromagerie (cheese-making house for those of you not fluent in français comme moi), is almost done, but for now, it’s just moving them in and out of the barn at night, and feeding them. Tomorrow, we’re gonna start milking them! Please enjoy the mental image of yours truly - a London girl to the bone - milking a goat, because I still can’t fully conceive it. As a bonus, the chicken coop is right below my window (I’m deadly serious you guys, I’m getting woken up by LITERAL cock crows), and the rabbit hutch is just next door. UPDATE: As of last night, the rabbits just had babies!! What are baby rabbits called?
The cat is the only cat in the history of cats that I have ever liked. She’s called Gaia, but she looks literally just like the one from Kiki’s delivery service. She’s my favourite so far, she’s just healed all of my black cat related trauma. She flops around when you pick her up, and purrs aggressively when you stroke her. She’s just had kittens, and they live in a cardboard box in the twin’s bedroom - they haven’t even opened their eyes yet, they’re so tiny! There’s also a working sheepdog, thank goodness, so that I’ve not completely succumbed to my Wilma withdrawals (wilm-drawals, if you would be so kind). I’m very at one with the animals. This morning, we just cleared out one of the barns in preparation for piglets. Piglets!! I am, as you can tell, very excited about my month on a real life animal farm (but like, not the Orwellian totalitarianism allegory - just a normal animal farm, sans metaphor).
Apart from the animals, there are of course, human characters in the A24 indie short that is my current existence. Marie and Terrence own the farm, and to be honest, they’re exactly what you’d expect, in the absolutely best way.
Marie and I worked out on my first day, that we have the same sun, moon and rising placements in our charts, and as I’m sure you can expect, that was it from there. If you thought I was at one with nature, you’ve gotta meet this girlboss. She's got this long, flowing black hair with silver streaks laced throughout, but she genuinely doesn’t look over 25 (I have no idea how old she is, and as far as I’m concerned, she’s an immortal goddess). On the full moon, we did a ritual by the fire to let go of anything that didn’t serve us, and she whipped out her sage bundle so we could all cleanse ourselves properly. Every night, she has a glass of white wine and a hash joint. ‘Eeeeh, I used to smoke a lot of weeed…’ she drawled in a chich French accent on my first night, ‘but it made me too sleepy, so, CBD, comme ça.’ She’s my personal hero.
Terrence is the farmer - he met Marie while she was Woofing herself, right here at the farm! Comme c’est #romantique. He’s one of those infuriating European people who’s like ‘Sorry, my English is so bad,’ and then speaks fluently while you stumble along in broken French. He wears a farmer’s cap, which is so exciting and personal to me, really allows for me to feel as thought I’m in full pastoral fantasy land. He's genuinely so nice, he's always like ‘MANGE!’ and piles food on my plate. Every time I finish I piece of work (that I’m literally there to do), he’s always like ‘Merci beaucoup!’ King behaviour.
Finally, there are the twins - Ziggy et Leónard, named for Bowie and Cohen respectively. Initially, they were wary of me (understandably so, as I’m sure most 4-years-olds are wary of any person with such a heinous mullet), but I’m sneaking my way into their approval. I’ve been attempting to read their comic book to them in the most broken French I’m sure they have ever heard. As soon as they worked out I was here for a while, they’ve started completely climbing all over me (‘Regarde!!! Regarde-moi, Maman!!!’) They’re completely wild, basically borderline feral - they’re homeschooled and mostly they just run around the farm and get into terrifyingly bloody scrapes (which Marie simply disinfects, then sends them on their way). Leónard is definitely more purposefully disobedient - they’re both very cheeky, but Ziggy’s transgressions are more often than not, due to his lackadaisical nature. Either way, they are loud and bright and remind you that you are very much awake, especially first thing in the morning.
It’s actually been very nice to spend time with young kids. They cry easily and frequently (which is like, literally #mood and #goodforyou and #letitoutking), then are back to grinning and running around the kitchen table just as quickly. They run through fully-fledged emotional states at warp speed - never have I seen a person so angry, then so happy. It’s fascinating to watch happen, and kind of really affirming. It’s nice to feel like I’m not the only one with thin skin. There’s definitely something profound going on right now with my whole inner child vibe.
Days are spent sandwiched in sumptuous meals (which includes Le Goûter - French tea time!!! Four meals a day baby!!) and siestas - Marie is actually Brazilian, literal trilingual queen - so the actual farm work, though satisfying and very good for my brain, is perfectly balanced. The food is delicious, and so satisfying. I finally get why people toil for months over little vegetable patches. There’s just something about picking something from your garden and putting it right on your plate. Serving truly farm-to-table realness. I’m probably getting a much better deal out of this than they are.
I think that I can understand French much better - I can definitely feel my comprehension improving. Speaking is definitely more difficult. Right now, my main phrases are:
Commet dit ____ en français?
Comment puis-je aider?
Comme ça?
Merci beaucoup!
Ça va, merci!
Désoléé!
But I’m working up to a few more! I’ve also found a copy of Harry Potter in French (because of course I have), and I’m working through it with a dictionary at the moment. It’s by far one of the most excruciating things I’ve ever done.
I’m doing a lot of reading and writing and thinking. I’ve got my hands in the earth and my head in the clouds. I’m stomping all over the mountains in my Dad’s socks. I think this is very good for me, but it could also be a slow unravelling. I suppose we won’t know until I leave! Either way, please rest assured that many thoughts are being thunk. I’m missing all of you, of course, and would love updates from everyone, but for now, I’m sending bisous & promise another update très bientôt!
Love from Me <3333
*Before you ask, yes of course I am aware that Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) is to be released on July 7th. I’m not that cut off from the universe. Taylor transcends all.
You had me at the histamine levels, fucking funny! And baby rabbits are called cute xx
Consider me Gaia's no.1 fan - obsessed with the arcadia of it all!!