Those who are part of my niche internet microcelebrity following are familiar with my monthly trend forecastings. Albeit, yes, they have certainly slipped this year - trust & believe that they have returned with a vengeance! Today, I present to you for the first time, an elongated and fleshed-out explanation for these trends, interesting to no one but me. I would say depending on popularity I will continue these, but to be honest the condition of the trend forecastings becoming a monthly occurrence will be a lot more to do with whether or not I can be bothered, rather than how much you guys hate this.
IN:
HODAKOVA, ELENA VELEZ, VAQUERA
In terms of womenswear brands that have been first on my dream NYFW invite list this year - Hodakova, Elena Velez & Vaquera all inhabit a kind of spiky femme aesthetic that has scratched an itch bored into me from girlhood. All three have this violence in their portrayals of femininity that hold a very fierce space on the runway. It feels almost nostalgic of early McQueen collections, in a way that I’m loving at the moment.
PUBLIC TRANSPORT
I’m talking specifically, of course, about Lime/Human Forest bikes. Are they a slightly humiliating form of transport? Yes. Have I seen two separate people from secondary school while riding them and simply avoided their gaze in the hope that they will not recognise me? Maybe. However, I regret to report that the convenience outweighs the embarrassment. Hot girls zip through North London on one of these motherfuckers praying to not be perceived.
HALTER NECKS & MERMAID AESTHETIC (MEN ONLY)
As those loyal to my previous trend forecasts would know, whatever Anthony Vaccarello says goes. This menswear week we saw Saint Laurent models walk down the catwalk in halter neck tops. And I have to say - I don’t hate it! Of all the Y2K trends that have been completely milked dry, I like the anti-subversiveness of this one. It’s like Vaccarello is asking us why the shape would appear out of the ordinary. In the wake of The Little Mermaid’s release - also look out for some menswear-inspired looks! See: DSquared2 - a brand hyper-saturated in pop culture reference and re-referencing’s most recent collection.
NEW YORK IN THE SUMMERTIME
Don’t want to say too much but……… softlaunch pending……..
BINCHTOPIA
If you’re not streaming - you’re late to the trend. Get on it. Podcast of the century. Shoutout to Rose for putting me on. Have been binging all 200+ episodes chronologically, but would recommend Performing the American Pastoral, More Like Dumb Phone :( and Evil Gays Get RESULTS! Can feel my brain expanding.
IRON DEFICIENCY
Waiting for my blood test results, but huge potential trend!
LARA VIOLETTA YOUTUBE CHANNEL
Also something I feel I’m definitely very late to, and am probably telling you about even though you’ve probably known about her longer than I have but also something I have been binging. Very much debated whether to gatekeep her but ultimately decided to do some charity work. Perfect for when you need to fantasise about being a graphic designer living in Paris with the chicest wardrobe on the planet & a front row seat to all the actually cool fashion shows.
COUTURE WEEK
July 3rd-6th is my favourite week in all of fashion - couture, darling! These shows are not designed for profit - fashion houses essentially throw millions of pounds down the drain creating the most elaborate, extravagant looks in order to ensure their luxury status. In my opinion, it’s when designers are allowed the most creative freedom, as there’s no real commercial incentive to the looks, no client in mind. Foaming at the mouth for Daniel Roseberry’s next Schiaparelli collection. Keep updated on @bootsthehaus on instagram (the return!!!!) for on-the-ground reporting.
ROT GIRL SUMMER
In the country of insulated houses with no air-conditioning, and a planet slowly boiling us all to death, it’s unfortunately time to acknowledge that unfortunately, if you see me from now until probably mid-September, I’m just going to be a little stinky. There’s really nothing I can do about it and honestly, it’s more your problem than mine. This summer, the girls are going to be slowly rotting in their bedrooms, sweating
MEN SHUT THE FUCK UP CHALLENGE
We can get this trending you guys!! If we all work together I believe in our collective power ❤️
CARLY RAE JEPSEN
I’ve been doing this thing where I listen to an artist’s entire discography, back-to-front. Currently doing Carly Rae Jepsen - which started as a pride month bit but actually ended up being a really interesting exploration of an incredibly well-crafted canon. I’ve decided she is the people’s princess of pop music. This July, I’m bringing back completely earnest, ridiculously over-the-top confessions of love and yearning in the sparkliest, silliest songs of all time. If you’re interested, try Julien, I Didn’t Just Come Here to Dance, Want You in My Room, or even Beach House, for campiest camp. Next up: Rosalía & Grimes.
JACKETS WITH MASSIVE TRAINS (RED CARPET)
Something I noticed from the Met Gala, but also I’m sure that we will see incoming in awards season. Now that trends are changing at warp speed, and hoods and opera gloves are gauché, the next addition to your column gown is going to be a crépe off-shoulder jacket that cascades behind you, allowing for maximum drama on the red carpet, and then a practical shedding in order to sit down for the actual ceremony. Not sure if I’ve yet seen in done in a way that wows me, but not inherently opposed….

BARBIE (2023) DIR. GRETA GERWIG
Do I need to explain this? Do I need to elaborate? Rest assured that I have already booked my cinema ticket for July 21st. I urge you to do the same. Modern cinema is having a renaissance. Praying Margot will be released from Chanel jail for the press tour. Everyone say thank you Greta!
OUT:
PRIDE MONTH
The gays have had their time - Kylie released Padam Padam, what more do you need? It’s time to be ashamed again. Get back in the closet, bitch.
SENDING EMAILS
Genuinely believe that sending emails is one of the most harrowing tasks I have ever had to complete. Do not EVER put me in a situation where I have to send emails. It took me a WEEK to send TWO SEPARATE ones. And then I received a reply that I in turn had to reply to, meaning sending ANOTHER EMAIL. I should not be expected to do this. Haven’t I suffered enough in this capitalist hellscape? Now you want me to ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE in it?????
THE TUBE (NO AIR CON)
I hate to be the one to say it but the subway absolutely beats the tube’s ass. Would you rather: Normal people in the hottest hell-chamber this side of death or crazy people in a pristinely air-conditioned chute? The answer is obvious. Sometimes London is lonely and at least in New York you know that you are guaranteed to show up to brunch with a story for the girlies.
IJBOL
Derivative. Doesn’t sound good when you try to say it out loud. Over before it began.
CREATIVE DIRECTORS
Charles de Vilmorin gone from Rochas after only three years? Alessandro Michele gone from Gucci with no explanation? Jeremy Scott from Moschino for the same? Even Ludovic de Saint Sernin after one measly season at Anne Demeulemeester? (I understand Demeulemeester girlies are literally feral and I saw one refer to him as a horse twink which I literally cannot ever forget but seriously guys like give him a chance!) The fashion industry is hiring and firing faster than feels sustainable or humane!

THE SUFFERING THAT COMES WITH DESIRE
This William Blake etching and the yearning (dear god the yearning) late at night waiting and wishing for the unobtainable. Both material and incorporeal. Sometimes I don’t feel like a person but a collection of things that I hunger for. I want! I want! Cut me off from this feeling!
AUDIOBOOKS. GROW UP
Listen to a podcast like a real man. I literally could not focus on an audiobook if my life depended on it. Also, how do you underline your favourite pieces of prose? What am I supposed to do, just try to remember them like some kind of illiterate heathen?
COURTNEY LOVE
Deplatform!!! Not because she is annoying but because she is cringe. I think we need Madonna to just speak on behalf of all crazy white women - she can be the spokesperson, and we won’t need to deal with all of this drama.
MEN IN SHORTS
As we are officially in summer, I think it goes without saying that men should not be taking their shirts off (tired, overdone, cringe, never the serve they think it is). However, I also need to stress that as a man, you have absolutely no business in shorts. Who are you trying to impress with those calves? Other men???? Sounds pretty gay to me….. See my thoughts on pride month above…….
TV SHOWS
Yes, this is definitely because of the (still ongoing!) Writer’s Strike, but seriously, there is literally nothing good to watch. Recommendations welcome, but I genuinely think that after The West Wing was released, it’s not even worth bothering. A summer for cinema… for movies…. for auteurship……
MARC JACOBS
As a recent foray into the Soho Heaven store revealed - the only good shit in there is literally the rack of other designers stocked there. Though partially my fault for walking in and loudly announcing them to be derivative, the shop employee informed me that all the heinous Marc Jacobs logo tote bags are sold mostly to fund Heaven as a passion project. All that floppery for what? To make a brand that basically just wishes it was Stray Rats? I know Mr. Jacobs is an icon in the fashion industry, but he was also just on EmRata’s podcast talking about how he & his husband got joint facelifts for their 60th birthdays so maybe it's time to put grandpa to bed.
MY WARDROBE
Returned from travelling to discover the suitcase of clothes I had left specifically for my summer fits has disappeared. I have never flopped so hard in my life. If you see me repeating the same boring tired overdone outfits from my year 13 wardrobe… mind your business.
That’s it! Love u!! Speak soon!!!