MÄDCHEN GIFT GUIDE: ACT III
Back, baby - better than ever! Here’s the eight tastemakers and me. I think we’ve all got bored of the long intros. I’ll just say - everyone is really hot this year. Feel free to use this gift guide as a dating profile. Most of them are single.
MARY BALLS
Beautiful Mary… where to begin? Mary is the most natural born clown I have ever met. And she’s never had any formal training. Mary has this joie de vivre that I have never seen before. She is really good at having fun, and so you have no choice but to have fun too. Mary is always smiling and always bouncing around. She has the best taste in music and film of anyone I know. She studies music and maths. She’s so cool and so fab. She’s like this doll that dresses herself up in chic vintage clothing all day and all night. She once brought me back strawberry flavoured cigarettes from her home town in Turkey. She’s studying in California right now and I want her back. Presents for friends who have better taste than you.
An Accordian
Been needing this for a while now. They’re beautiful and ornate and always expensive. You’ll see me on the Royal Mile crooning to Jacques Brel in no time.
A party size tub of Cafe Bustello
The best instant coffee hands down. They sell comically large ‘Party Size’ (1.5kg) tubs of this at Walmart, but I’ve yet to drop the very reasonable 25 dollars on this investment. It’s delicious, and strong enough to give me a hot flash at 9:30 in the morning, Nestle could never.
I’ve had this specific poster saved for years now, the tab is permanently open on my safari and haunts me every time I see it. It’s stupidly big, and sold on posteritati for $400.
A Sleepover
Genuinely what is better. It’s kind of the ultimate form of hanging out, and you reach a certain spiritual flow state with your friends that can be achieved in very few other settings. I think adults should do this more and I can’t wait to have many with my dear friends this Christmas.
PETRONELLA ROWE
Pets and I met in first year when she was known under… shall we say - a different name. You should ask her about her wild and raucous youth and her even wilder and more raucous adolescence in the really scary boarding school from that one episode of The Crown that she actually went to. She is named after a Scottish folk dance, which I think is an incredibly cool thing to be named after. She is intelligent, astute and writ. She has a wonderful substack where she writes with unbelievable tenderness on the art of trying. Not that it should matter, but she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. She is so pretty it kind of knocks you over to see her in person. Presents for your chicest friend.
Perhaps I am taking my cosplaying an adult a tad far with my sudden interest in crockery. Not only is it useful – who doesn’t need a sprinkle of salt and pepper every day- but it is also rather beautiful.
A trip to the cinema please!
Few things can top a trip to the cinema with one of your favourite people. Sweet treats, comfy seats and an escape from reality for a couple of hours! (Bonus points if you plan this on a Sunday to beat the scaries!)
Office appropriate but not frightfully boring. Allows you to be corporate whilst still having some respect for yourself. Also, ideal for after work adventures and the weekends!
A Funny Biography
No Christmas is complete without an addition to one’s library. A biography feels like a good conversation with a friend, one that puts everything into perspective, offers reassurance, and makes you laugh!
They are the perfect sweet treat, breakfast, lunch, dinner, post-crashout snack and they are irresistible. Eating them gives me faith in life, makes me want to carry on, and is certainly better than any attempt a man makes in trying to satisfy me!
GABRIEL MENDOZA
I had a crush on Gabriel when we were twelve at religious summer camp. He was thoroughly uninterested, for reasons unclear at the time, but apparent in our first year of university where we reconnected over our queerness. He’s got a very beautiful voice and also this incredible giggle. He is very kind, which might sound trite to you but I think that being genuinely kind is a rare and invaluable trait. Like he has to make a conscious effort to not be kind. That’s kind of insane. I think he’s going to be one of those people who end up doing something ridiculously cool with his life. I’m obsessed with his parents. He does not play about the Wicked movies. Another incredibly hot friend of mine. Presents for sweetie pies.
Enough said
Deep tissue Swedish massage
I had my first ever massage in September and it really was worth the hype. Mental and physical relaxation and invigoration is amazing. Also maybe I’m touch starved xx
I don’t have this but I really want it. Seasonal perfumes sent to you and there’s a huge waitlist and apparently it’s great.
I LOVE A HAT I JUST DO
Like… she ate
NOA YARON
Noa and I met because she was acting in a student play I did at nineteen - it was the best thing that came out of it. You’ll be able to tell from the gifts she’s suggesting but she’s super cool in a very effortless way. Not because she’s blasé, but because she’s got this weird thing inside her that people are drawn to. This strange intangible realness. I can’t explain but it’s almost like she glows guys. Seriously. She has an incredible sense of style. Every time we go to the pub she tells me something that lowkey changes my life. Once she was like ‘Elliana, you’re not saying this thing to this person because you want to prolong the rejection you know is coming’ and it doesn’t make sense out of context but please just trust that it changed my life. Presents for your friends who channel ancient knowledge
1. Make Something
This one depends on your personal skill set but I LOVE a homemade gift - what more could I want then to know you spent x amount of hours of your time thinking of me. Knitted outerwear for the impending cold, a piece of art to brighten increasingly darker rooms, a poem to bring cheer on cold stormy nights, a curated CD of songs to dance away the winter blues, baked goods/pickled veg/homemade jams… the list goes on. I once received an interpretive dance from my sister (although that may have been too far, even for me).
Make Them Make Something
If you have no skills or time then give the gift of structured creativity. A clay-making set, knitting patterns and wool, some lovely art materials, one of those writing exercise books, a cross-stitch/embroidery/felting set, even a paint by numbers would suffice.
Make A Third Party Make Something
Alternatively, if both you and your loved one have 0 skills or time then help someone that does and buy something homemade from a small business. Have a fun outing to your local xmas market or buy on etsy a clay vegetable dish from my friend Alice #notspon
Tea
There’s been a theme to my list, inspired by the fact that I’m both terrified of the climate crisis and desperately hoping to regain the creative energy my hospitality job has drained from me, but if you really hate arts, crafts, or creativity in general, then maybe get some loose-leaf tea. Reduce your loved one’s microplastic intake one cuppa at a time.
MEGHAN ROLLE
Full transparency I’m OBSESSED with Meghan. Literally on the first day of my masters I was like holy shit I have to be this girl’s friend. She’s fab no like guys she’s FAB like I’ve never met anyone so fab in my life. Stunning. Hilarious. Bad to the BONE. She’s so good at writing I can’t even be jealous because I’m just grateful to be in the room to hear it. I have no idea how she does it but part of it must come from how insightful, intelligent and sharp she is. Her wit astounds me. No one has ever gagged me as quickly or brilliantly. Presents for your coolest friends.
They are perfect for smokers and look cute and camp as helll on a coffee table. Also comes in so many different styles.
The Fairy princess dress of my DREAMSSSSS. Genuinely so cute, feels like a cute dress for a birthday or special occasion.
Obviously I want this because I’m black and gay as hell…DUH. But seriously heard that it’s such an amazing read!
NICK CORBETT
Nick is my long-suffering token straight boy. He’s been enduring since we were seventeen - I’ve literally written about him before on here. He’s endlessly patient with me, and has put up with a lot of public ribbing at his expense in queer spaces for years now. It’s no surprise he’s now a secondary school teacher (I know, I know - it freaked me out too). But really, if I could have anyone teach me French and German, I would want it to be someone as compassionate and invested as he is. He’s wonderful. Presents for your wokest friend.
My 2025 white boy of the year.
It sounds like a terrible idea but would love to see it
Pencil case
Year 7 took the piss out of me for having my pens in a clear plastic bag. I think about this daily.
Orange VK
I am too old to buy one for myself and I miss them.
NAYELI PARTASIDES
Nayeli is one of the three people I still speak to from my old school. We grabbed a coffee last year after not having seen each other for at least six years and that was that. Since then, we’ve been crawling our way around various litty lengy wine bars in London, and reminiscing on our school days. Sometimes it turns out that shared trauma does bring you closer together. She’s so clever - she’s got a perspective that I never would have considered, but completely changes the way I’m thinking. Beautiful, perceptive and very, very sweet. Presents for the most put-together people you know.
A Signature Scent
Asking a friend to buy you what they think is your signature test is, I think, a great marker of friendship and indication of how they see you. (Also, if successful, it can be a huge timesaver in the lifelong search for *the* signature scent)
I received one last year and I still (try to) write in it daily. I think it’s a great gift because it helps you build the habit of reflecting on your day and distinguishing each one slightly from the previous one.
Privacy Screen
Necessity in London…
Winter Wool: mittens + scarf
Cute and practical!
DARCEY WILLING
Darcey is a genius. She’s also stunningly beautiful. She’s also the funniest person ever. She has a clown within her soul. I’ve been obsessed with her since I was fifteen and she looked down at me with those big doe eyes through this incredible fringe she had at the time and I just knew. I think she’s so amazing that every six months I would get convinced she hated me because she was just too cool to be my friend. We just moved in together and it’s been the greatest time of my life. She’s going to be very huge in the next five years. Presents for friends who are going to be famous.
When a cold wind blows it chills you to the bone…what more could warm your Christmas cynicism than Daddy pecs embodying Gonzo the Great / Charlie Dick? Now come the fuck on. Has it been done before? Never. Will it comment on the shared liminality and subversive performativity of drag performance and Miss Piggy’s legacy and therefore the valorisation and deconstruction of the cultural synthesis of Kermit the Frog and Tiny Tim? Maybe. Will there be puppets? We can only. hope. Shiver me timbers no longer.
Mop with Spray
I’m late to this game but, guys, it changed my life. So what it is is a mop with a little compartment for soap and then a handle with a lever which when pressed excretes the liquid onto the floor for you to then mop as normal. Minimal effort, endless joy. After first use, I had a horrible dream in which I discovered another spray mop, similarly gallant yet slightly glossier than the previously supposed perfect mop I purchased. Consumed with a frightening mix of anxiety and excitement, I frantically had to use the newly discovered mop to reassure myself that my mop was sufficient. I awoke timidly eager to get back to my mop.
Sometimes when you think the mop head is on, it needs and extra kick up the bum and it clicks on properly. Otherwise unwanted detachment while mopping is likely.
Pocket Watch
I never quite understand why these went out.
Kvesaj Liquor
Cherry flavoured Czech liquor that expels the demons from within you. Literally translates to Blood Sucker, so good for Halloween too. You can have a shot on its own or with some hot water when suffering for any illness. Every time I’ve been caught with a bottle of this on my person I’ve been met with intrigue and desire. One time at the Tate Britain I thought it they’d kick me out for it but was pleasantly surprised when instead the woman working there just wanted to know how to purchase it herself. Having toured their family-run distillery in Starý Plzenec and tasted all the flavours, I can confidently recommend krvesaj as the most versatile for a Christmas palate.
A Bear Head
Purely selfish reasons. Am in the market. Ideally as realistic as possible.
ELLIANA CRAIG
Theatre Tickets
Sorry this is really lame but it would be weird if I didn’t. Take your friend out get a drink before! If you don’t know where to look: Bush, Royal Court, Soho, 503, Almeida, Orange Tree, Stratford East - those are just the obvious ones. Less boring than the West End. They usually have inexpensive options for students and under 25s. Go see something you love! Go see something you hate!
Jemima Kirke sells vintage t-shirts on her instagram story sometimes. I don’t know why. You would think she had other stuff going on but I guess not. I think some of them are genuinely old t-shirts she doesn’t want to wear anymore. I can’t respect the hustle but I do think it’s funny.
A more fiscally responsible person might point you toward the closing-down SSENSE sale, but I think Apoc is such a weird shop and therefore such a great place for presents. Everything is too expensive to buy for yourself, but most of it is one-of-one, or at least handmade, and you’re pretty much guaranteed to have never seen it before. You wouldn’t want a brown horse purse, or a pair of dragon-feet boots, or a £14,800 raw aluminium vanity desk? No but seriously. You can also find more wearable pieces - I’m saving up for this top.
A Blind Date
I don’t know why my vibe this gift guide has been whoring out my friends. But I think setting people up is so fun. It works best if everyone knows as little about each other as possible - ideally you are putting together two people you’ve met maybe twice before, but if it’s your best friend, find someone who is a stranger…. add some intrigue. For best results (and a wider pool) collab with other third-party friends to try and put couples together. It almost never works out, but it’s so fun to put your mate through.
As a #collector I don’t usually like to be tied down to one publication. But I think Mel Ottenberg is the last of the greats, and the only white gay man I will let dictate culture to me. It’s always got the weirdest worst combinations of people and it’s kind of hard to get ahold of in the UK. I would love this for xmas ok love you bye XXXXX
this was type funny hope y'alls years off to good starts
holler if you ever dalston way
obsessed w the jemima kirke suggestion