THE SPLENDIFEROUS, SOPHMORICAL, SESQUIPEDALIAN MÄDCHEN HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
I GIVE YOU THE BEST OF MY BEST! WHO GIVE THE BEST OF THEIR BEST! TO GIVE THE BEST OF YOUR BEST!
We are back, baby - second time round! All good things come twice if you’re lucky. You should know the drill by now, and if you don’t, read up on the one from last year. The ten most stupendously stylish, sophisticated, sensationalists in my entire address book for the most scrupulous, sybaritic, stellar presents in the entire catalog. I give you: the Second Annual Mädchen Holiday Gift Guide.
ANNA GOODWIN
This gift guide couldn’t kick off with anyone apart from Miss Anna G, the woman I do it all for, the woman who was supposed to be first on last year’s gift guide but was literally too exclusive for a first round offer. If you know me, you know Anna, because I literally hate doing anything without her - I’ve literally written about her on here before lol. My other half, my forever muse, my non-platonic soulmate, my ultimate try-not-to-say-mother challenge. Presents for the best girl you know, because she is, unequivocally, the best girl I know.
A Mohair beanie by blondeandsmart
The fish one is the best, I think. She also makes epic stripey angora socks which if they were incredibly long would be the dream
Something to Make
Perhaps a concerning increase of middle-aged behaviour, but we all seem to want materials to create things. My friend Izzy says everyone should get a lino cutting set. I also believe in the flying tiger £4 clay. An acrylic paint set would be incredibly useful. The silkscreen definitely deserves a mention here (gone but never forgotten). I personally would love a giant tub of pillar box red exterior gloss.
Therapy Voucher Pls
Like on fleabag but I won’t be insulted just grateful, I think.
The Perfect Long Fur Coat
The Carrie Bradshaw coat, like its giant and fur but somehow casual and wearable anywhere. It must be incredibly soft. This one I tried on really hit but it was £600 - my £10 charity shop one is great for now but doesn’t quite fulfil the dream.
Dream Night Out
You should go out on someone’s dream night out with no questions asked and no saying no. It starts any time after 4pm and ends whenever (although expires after 24 hours). The evening must involve as many pockets as possible and involve as much free stuff as possible.
A Box of Really Nice Tissues
Bonus, as I write this from my sick bed, is a box of really nice tissues, my nose can’t take the abrasive lidl loo roll anymore.
ESHA LALWANI
Esha is one of my New York Dolls - a recent graduate of FIT, sometimes backstage at your favourite fashion now, sometimes runway model, sometimes published journalist, always impossibly chic and found front row (and backstage) at the coolest New York basement gig of the bands you wish you’d heard of. The love of my life, the only girl cool enough to convince me to ask The Dare for a light, angel of my dreams. Presents for the friend you keep begging to make you a Spotify playlist.
Concert Headphones (I believe in the UK we call these earplugs lol)
As a live music enthusiast whose hearing is already of concern, this is both a necessity and an act of kindness. Protecting my eardrums while still letting me soak in every guitar riff and live out my rockstar girlfriend era? Priceless.
"Mommy's Little Meatball" Shirt
Specifically from one of those Little Italy souvenir shops in lower Manhattan. Maybe it’s the kitsch nature of the shirt or perhaps it’s the overwhelming desire to be the ‘I studied abroad in Italy’ cliche, either way, I’ve decided I need one of those 'Mommy’s Little Meatball' shirts in my life. Why? I can’t say for sure except that I simply must have it.
Hear me out: one sock with my face and the other with yours. It’s the perfect blend of absurdity and unmatched friendship.
A Box of Things that Reminded You of Me
What better way to say ‘I love you’ than with a collection of random treasures that made you think of me? Bonus points if you’ve been secretly collecting them over time like the true sentimentalist you are. I am always here for the ‘this reminded me of you’ gifts, and yes, I will likely cry.
Scheduled Sip and Spills
Let’s grab a glass of wine and spill the tea. Be it a bar, my place, or over the phone—it doesn’t matter. My dear friends, time to pull out your calendars because I miss you.
ELIZA EARLE
Eliza and I are unionised as the two queer women in our flat friendship group. Though she somehow has much more success than I do (something to do with not being afraid of women? I wouldn’t know), she is acutely sharp - she never fails to deliver a completely eviscerating gag. She rocks a stripe like no one else I know. When I went into psychosis she came over to my flat and made me a cup of tea and took out my bins even though I was removed from reality. Friends like that are hard to come by. Recently she got this haircut. I think it changed my life as well as hers. Eliza is marvellous. Presents for the girl you wish you were.
Piglet in Bed Linen Bedding
This is the best bedding I’ve ever seen. Now more than ever, I would appreciate a lovely matching duvet set from Piglet in Bed to romanticise the many hours I spend in bed over the Christmas holidays.
Freddie’s Flowers Subscription
Go buy your friends, family, lovers a Freddie’s Flower subscription. Both useful and sentimental, what is more romantic than a weekly home delivery of flowers complete with arrangement suggestions. I would love to receive this from someone (cough)
A Bike
I am really in the market for a new bike at the moment. Preferably a nice vintage racing bike. Catch me zooming around Edinburgh in the new year. Maybe I’ll start wearing spandex.
A Parmesan Wheel
This is something I would never buy myself, they go for upwards of £500, but what a fun gift if you’re really looking to splash out. Bottomless parmesan, that fancy pasta that comes to you in the cheese, you could even set up your own farmer’s market stand. Points for innovation.
AMBER CRAIG
If the surname doesn’t give it away - Amber is my beloved, perpetually jet-set cousin. Allegedly studying in Montreal, a quick pressure of her instagram suggests she’s rarely ever in one place for long (see: Europe I and then Europe II separate highlights in her bio - imagine!) Her intelligence is equal only to her beauty (shout out to the Craig brothers for the shared DNA), and whenever she’s in London I race over to her house to sit on her bed and catch up and up and up! Presents for your friend who travels so much, you wish you could handcuff them to your side.
The Book of Dream Symbols by Peter Bentley
So people stop telling me about their dreams. It is worse than hearing about a show you have no watched. I want to care, but I don’t.
A Trip to Swim in a Cenote
Swimming in a natural pit of water surrounded by limestone? Need I say more?
Veneda Carter VC005 Signature Chain
Gold nuggets around your neck could not be more festive IMO. I’ll never be over a chunky gold moment. (But if you are they have it in silver too!)
Male Birth Control!
Please.
The Paper Bag by Lara Violetta
The image kind of speaks for itself but a shoulder bag that adjusts to fit your magazine and books in it???
AMIRAN ANTADZE
Ami and I became friends because I started being insanely mean to him for three months and he thought I was just being super silly. I was trying to push back against his insane acting hype all across the Edinburgh scene, but then it turned out that he actually was an extremely talented actor, a wonderful friend, and an incredibly funny and overall amazing person. I am right about a lot of things, but I was wrong about Ami. He’s currently studying abroad over in sunny San Diego, and though I’m obviously very jealous, mostly I just miss him very much and want him back. Presents for your friends from niche Slavic countries.
Driving Lessons
It’s a shame when someone who really wants to learn how to drive really hates making the decision when to start their education. Make that decision for them! Buy someone lots of driving lessons and voila.. your friend can drive for themself and can also take you everywhere you want to go. If they know how to drive a car.. it’s time to learn how to sail a boat, pilot a helicopter.. etc
Coming in at number two is buying yourself and someone concert tickets. This is so exciting. A great gift any time of year but Christmas is a big deal so it’s time to spend. Wait this could also be for a festival. Depending on how much money you have you and your friend now have.. everybody loves music! either way you and your friend how fave guaranteeeed banger hangout session to remember for rest of your lives. Which are short 😔
A Compilation
I’m giving third place to a compilation of sorts. This can be video form, audio?, like a paper collage or album but the point is. It’s about your friend and it has a theme. I suggest like ‘saddest moments’ or ‘beautiful moments’, or ‘betrayal moments’.. so here you see the potential for a yearly present at Christmas time for your friend👍
A book you love is good because it’s an amazing day for your friend and you look smart doing it.
A Customised Surfboard
In last place comes a surfboard which is customized. This customized surfboard becomes funny if you put a life size image of yourself on it. Then your friend can call it the ‘Elliana’ or some shit when they take it out for a spin. Also surfboards are expensivvvvee and most are afraid to start learning EVEN when they live in the perfect meteorological conditions for surfing because renting/buying a board is too much.
JESSIE BYRNE
Jessie Byrne is maybe the closest thing we as a society have to a unicorn. Some people are the rare type who never have a bad word said against them. Jessie Byrne is the even rarer - when her name comes up in conversation, people visibly brighten in excitement. 'I LOVE Jessie Byrne!’ they all say. But I loved her first. She was my first friend in freshers week, and I’ve locked the fuck in to locking her down forever. She’s never getting away. She’s really beautiful but also hilariously funny - like, sidesplittingly funny, which is always very difficult to achieve as a woman, but somehow, she manages it. She studies neuroscience. She does it all. Presents for the best storyteller you know.
Edinburgh Naked Man Calendar
⁃ I have one myself and love it. They’re in kilts
⁃ In every Edinburgh tourist shop
⁃ I’m happy to fall right into that tourist trap. Delicious
⁃ Recently had a nasty rash and I wouldn’t like for it to happen again
⁃ Self-explanatory - will elaborate no further.
- If a wad of Cotton has to be shoved in my special zone it should also give a light buzz and sense of calm.
⁃ Trying to be a waste free queen. Caught Miss Juliet Freeman boiling hers in our pasta pot the other day and I was intrigued
Poppers
⁃ Had my first hot mess
⁃ Baby’s first poppers
⁃ Truly loved them and would like to try again
⁃ Why I hadn’t started sooner I don’t know
RONAN LENANE
Ronan Lenane is the most cynical, judgemental person I have ever met, because he holds himself to an impossibly high moral standard, and holds everyone else to the same one. He is very irritating mostly because he is quite clever, even though he is insanely pretentious, and his moral philosophy is entirely backwards. He’s very, very funny, but don’t tell him I said that. Sometimes he does these things that truly floor me. His band (coincidentally named Elliana Craig) is unironically, pretty good. He puts a lot of time into their instagram reels, so you should follow them on instagram. Presents for your estranged father, maybe. Or a distant uncle.
Something to Look Forward To
This Christmas there are few gifts I could receive that would be more important than a reason to get out of bed before I have something on.
A Nice Desk Chair
I think this could change the game, as studying at home is vastly preferable to studying in the library, but I fear for my lumbar
One Hundred Pounds
One hundred pounds in a bank transfer has NEVER hurt anyone and I would use it to buy a recycling bin, but the beauty of this gift is that you can use it for whatever you want
A Way to Differentiate Similar Days
If all you can really remember is waking up and going to bed, and it feels like these days all you ever really do is wake up in the morning, then a way to differentiate similar days could be really useful. Something to demarcate weeks and periods so it doesn’t all feel like day after day after day.
MILO CHAPMAN
Milo and I met in Sixth Form drama class and I famously did not like them then. I don’t really know what happened between then and now, but trust that my thoughts on them are completely the opposite. Milo is wonderful and gentle and funny and kind. Every Wednesday (with fail and with rescheduling and not necessarily even on a Wednesday) we curl up in one of our respective beds and watch two episodes of The West Wing. It’s my favourite time of the week, because I get to share my favourite TV show with someone I love very, very much. Presents for the friend you most like to drink tea with.
A Doppelgänger Who Loves Admin
They will therefore do all my admin jobs. Every call or email or stupid trip to get an Italian passport. I don’t want to do that shit no more but my doppelgänger lives for these activities. We are also best friends.
Goggles and a Swim Cap
I have been going swimming and would benefit from these items. It would make me look more professional in the pool and I would gain more respect from the elderly folk in the slow lane. Swim cap would have to be extra large as my head is enormous.
Wallace and Gromit Contraption
Specifically the one that gets Wallace out of bed, washed with a sponge then dresses you. Particularly necessary for winter mornings, this machine shows no mercy, you are forced out of bed but it also makes you breakfast so no complaints.
A dad that apologises
This needs no explanation.
SIMON ABEHSERA-COHEN
That’s pronounced See-mon, for those of you unfamiliar with the French language. Simon and I met when we were sixteen and clung onto each other as the only way to survive being young and queer. Simon and I are still found clutching on to one another somehow, being loud and inappropriate at a ridiculously expensive cocktail bar or restaurant, terrorising the employees of the Bond Street Prada store, or tearing up a queer rave. We have never once not been asked if we are professional dancers when out together. He’s my family, and he may be gay and problematic, but most of the good ones are. Presents for your loudest loved ones.
A Liza Minnelli in Cabaret Voodoo Doll
Need I say more…? Duh you obviously have to have the most life-change experience with one Miss Elliana Craig watching Cabaret at the KitKat Club first. The natural progression is then the acquisition of a most abject depiction of Miss Sally Bowles.
Yes, I know it’s not 2022, yes, iIknow the gay people reading this probably have lactose intolerance and IBS. Was it famously the central cake at my birthday, well YES. Don’t know where I’m going with this but it was fucking banging - top tip get the one one from Cake & Bubbles @ Cafe Royale.
Tickets to Oxford
Guys pls come hang out w me
A Plant
Sorry why is no one gardening anymore? Am I, no. But would I if I shipped over plants from Mariska Hargitay’s brother’s plant store, hell yes. Looking to incorporate a bit of law & order SVU into your bedroom? Any takers message me, looking to split shipping and import tax.
ELLIANA CRAIG
We round off, as always, with yours truly. Here’s all I want for Christmas, and all I want you to want too X
Dauan Jacari Spiral Boxer Skirt
Ever since my personal stylist and image consultant Bella Atfield told me about this skirt I’ve been obsessed with it. It’s been in my basket for literal months. Sometimes I dream about this skirt. The OG is already sold out, so settle for the spiral version. It’s literally on sale for 40% off until tomorrow - it’s a no-brainer. Recently photographed on perpetual It Girl Chloe Sëvingy, this is the must-have from the must-know new fashion house.
A Networking Coffee With Your Famous Relative
All I want for Christmas is for you to cough up your most well-connected theatrical relative, and tell them to get coffee with me. Is your uncle a producer? Is your great aunt a director? Is your second cousin twice removed a lighting designer? Did you vaguely meet someone once at a party three years ago who is a playwright? All of these connections could be used to help me.
I think writing a poem is the most wonderful thing you can ever do for another person. To receive one is the most wonderful thing you can ever have. For someone like me who loves to convince themselves that all their friends secretly hate them, it can be really nice to have a physical written affirmation that they don’t. I’ve kept every poem ever written for me in a special box to take out whenever I need.
The most insanely depressing yet fascinatingly funny lighters left over from the Vietnam War. If you have a spare couple hundred, this is the ultimate smoking area conversation starter.
I just think Gentle Monster have merged their super-cool-it-crowd status with genuinely well-made and beautifully designed products. Their collaborations are great, but always sold out, and I’m currently in the market for big anti-paparazzi sunglasses. Every time I’m in Selfridges, I try these ones on, and nothing has yet to come close. The only place I’d get them is from here.
Happy Holidays! I love you!